


Skinner's Animal House of Pain

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Bad Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:51:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11342127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Mulder discovers that Skinner collects Beanie Babies, and they torture each other with them in bed.





	Skinner's Animal House of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Skinner's Animal House O' Pain by Simile Dickinson Holmes

7 November 1998  
"Skinner's Animal House O' Pain" by Simile Dickinson Holmes   
Category: M/Sk Slash Bad Fic/Humor for the truly weird slash fan. That's you Woodinat.  
Disclaimers: Rocky and Bullwinkle belong to Jay Ward Productions, Beanie Babies belong to Ty Company, and everybody in the DAMNED whole world but me. All the X Files characters belong to Chris "Whoa, DUDES! What are you doing to Skinner's Woody?" Carter, and 1013 Productions. I don't own any of 'em, and whenever they see me, they pretend that they don't know me, the ungrateful bastards. Is it any wonder that I'm so cruel to them? They *owe* me!  
Rated: NVGDL for Not Very Goddamned Likely.  
Summary: Mulder discovers that Skinner collects Beanie Babies, and they torture each other with them in bed.  
Warnings: This is a slash story, which involves implied m/m sex, sordid, sexual innuendoes, and activities with treacherously cute, overly hyped, stuffed animals, uhm, stuffed in more than one sense of the word, too.   
Additional persons to Blame: The very nice, polite nude male model in my figure drawing class who was a perfectly gorgeous, muscular, lookalike (dead ringer, sigh) for the Surly Pectoral God, who claimed to know ALL the names of his mother's beanie babies. This is my revenge against him. Do you have any idea how hard it is to draw accurately when you're turned on, and trying desperately to keep a straight face? JESUS! I'm only human! The lines of my drawing looked like drunken spiders had dipped their asses in charcoal, took the sobriety test on my paper, miserably failing the-walk the-straight- line part ..... Now where was I? Oh yeah. ANYWAY, so this is a true story, SORT OF, and I can't be held responsible. And Woodinat encouraged me to write it, so I blame her too, and so should you. And...I blame alllll you people on Surly-One for asking what Skinner's animal was, and speculating about it. This is the silly shit you get from me, when you do shit like that, so there! (Special thanks to whomever came up with Skinner as Bald Eagle...)  
Feedback: Yes. <singing mostly on key> You can feeeed the author animal, taaalllk to the author animal....  
On with the story.

* * *

Skinner's Animal House O' Pain  
by Simile Dickinson Holmes

Once upon a time, there were two nude men who worked for the FBI...well, they weren't nude at work-usually--but at the moment, they were nude, and satiated, and sprawled decoratively upon Assistant Director Skinner's incongruously lumpy bedspread....

"GOD, Walter, you're an animal," Fox Mulder sighed contentedly. "That was fantastic."

"Mrpmph," Skinner grunted, and with his eyes still closed he groped around until he found his target, and affectionately patted Mulder's bare, well-rounded ass.

Mulder turned to his muscular lover, who at this moment reminded him of a beached whale, and kissed him on his bald head. He chuckled, imagining a blowhole on that very spot, and kissed him there again. "You were wild. I hope I have enough of my clothes left to wear home. I think you ripped them to shreds trying to get me naked."

"Mrpmph?" Skinner asked, and though his eyes remained closed, and his body limp with exhaustion, his brow was furrowed with concern.

"Yeah, you're right, it was worth it" Mulder said fondly, "and besides I could borrow some sweatpants and a T-shirt from you when I have to go home."

"Mrpmph," Skinner agreed, and blindly reached out, and ruffled Mulder's hair.

"I am curious, though. Why did you rush in here to do before you had your way with me?" Mulder said kissing his boss's head some more. "I was afraid you were going to lock yourself away from me in here after I had made a pass at you....and then the next thing, I know, I'm naked, and on top of the bed. What was that all about...and why is this bed so goddamned lumpy?"

Skinner's eyes snapped open, and he sat straight up as fast and as gracefully as a goosed kangaroo, "How would you like to go out for dinner?" He said hastily.

Mulder smiled wickedly, and shook his head. "No way, Walter. Not until I find out what's making you behave in such an intriguingly guilty way! Could the lumps in this bed have something to do with it?"

"Please, drop it," the burly man begged and whined like a Rottweiler puppy dog, but a really, really big one with really, really big paws, "I'll watch Star Trek Voyager with you, like you always want. I'll go with you to the Star Trek Convention, like you've been begging me to do! I'll, I'll," and Skinner paused, blanching as if what he was to say next would cost him all his strength, I'llDressUpLikeDarthVaderAndWearAFluorescentCondomAndBEGForYouToPlayWithMyLigh t Saber!" He licked his lips after that proposition like a disgruntled tomcat with a bad taste in his mouth, which made Mulder laugh. He could easily visualize the A.D. with a lashing tail, and flattened ears, but far from intimidating him, it just made him want to rub the man's furry belly until he pled for mercy.

"I KNEW it!" Mulder smirked, "You DID hide something under the bedspread before we came in here, and I'm fucking well going to find out what it is."

"NOOOOOO," Skinner charged like a bull for the lanky man, but Mulder was faster, and leapt aside, pulling the bedspread off as he went, causing a cascade of dozens, and dozens of...

Beanie babies.

Mulder fell back on the bed and howled, and shrieked with laughter, while Skinner shot him venomous looks like a spitting cobra. His agent was oblivious though, "I can't believe this," he was saying as he wiped tears from his eyes, "Macho ex-Marine of the Fucking Bureau of Investigation Assistant Director Walter S. Skinner collects stuffed animals?" Mulder scooped up the fallen stuffed animals, and dumped them back on the bed, "Oops, sorry I dropped your widdle toys," he said, and began to laugh his ass off again.

"In the first place, that would be FEDERAL Bureau of Investigation, Agent Mulder," Skinner growled like a grizzly, "in second place, those would be Beanie babies, and in the third place, they aren't MINE; they're my niece's. She left them here when she and her mother stayed here last night."

"They aren't yours. Sure. I believe you," Mulder smirked, but they look AWFULLY familiar to me."

"Oh, I can't *wait* to hear your theory," Skinner said clenching his jaw.

Mulder rummaged around in the pile until he pulled out a ferret. "I bet you named this one Spender, right?"

Skinner gave Mulder a ball-withering glare, "No. Get that damned thing out of my bed. Now." 

"With pleasure," Mulder said, and threw it against the wall. Skinner breathed a sigh of relief, but FAR too soon. Mulder was already digging around in the pile, and had come up with another WalterTorture creature. "Look, Walt," he laughed, as he showed him a Beanie baby goat, "It's John Byers, Pygmy Goat!" Mulder made it hop around on Walter's head. "It came to cavort upon Bald Mountain!" 

"GIVE ME THAT DAMNED THING!" Skinner bellowed, "OR IT'S GOING TO CAVORT UP YOUR ALPINE ASS!"

"You have no sense of adventure," Mulder pouted, and handed it to his fuming lover, "and no sense of humor. I think you need to develop one fast if you're going to persist in collecting these things.

 "If I developed any more of a sense of humor, I'd never be able to read any of your damned reports with a straight face. That's tough enough for me to do as it is," Skinner glared at Mulder, and threw the stuffed goat next to the ferret. 

"I'm sorry," Mulder gulped. He bit his trembling lower lip contritely, but his face was twitching with reined in merriment, just itching to be released. "but don't you think you'd feel better if you got something off of your furry chest?" 

Skinner sighed deeply, "Okay, fine, Mulder, I admit it. I collect the damned things," he said as he pulled out a Beanie Baby moose by one antler, "Here. Abuse your namesake, instead of me."

"FOX!!! It's name is FOX?" Mulder spluttered. "You named a MOOSE after me? I thought you, LIKED me."

"I DO like you. Mostly. Stop pouting, " Skinner laughed, "You were the one who started this." The burly man rummaged around and pulled out a Beanie Baby mole puppet with a cigarette dangling from its mouth in a suspiciously familiar way, and made it talk. "You were warned not to proceed with this investigation, Agent Mulder. You knew that there would be consequences for ignoring a man of my capabilities." 

"A CIA MOLE! I'll make you pay for that pun and for naming a moose after me!" Mulder laughed, and threw himself at his boss, and pummeled him with a pillow until Skinner was laughing helplessly. "Say give!" Mulder said as he whacked him with the pillow again and again, "I won't stop until you say "give"!"

"Okay, okay, I give, I give," Skinner wheezed. "I don't know why you're so pissy about the Moose. Maybe if I showed you Scully you'd understand."

"Okay, Walter," Mulder said brandishing the pillow, "but just remember I'm still armed and dangerous."

"Point taken, Agent Mulder," Skinner said pulling a stuffed red squirrel out of the pile to hand to his snickering agent. "Now may I introduce you to Agent Scully?"

Mulder's eyebrow quirked up. "A Squirrel? You think of Scully as a squirrel?"

"Didn't you ever watch Rocky and Bullwinkle, Mulder? Who else would be partnered with Moose, but Squirrel? If you are very fortunate, I may instruct Agent Squirrel to gather your nuts, and store them in her cute, furry little cheeks," Skinner said running the squirrel Beanie Baby over Mulder's balls.

"Waalllllterrrr, you pervert, stop!" Mulder giggled helplessly, "that tickles!"

"Hmmm....Squirrel doesn't do it for you, eh?" Skinner said narrowing his eyes, and stroking his chin. "Hmmm...I think I have just the solution for your dilemma," he said, and tossing "Scully Squirrel" aside, he pulled out another Beanie Baby. "Perhaps you'd like to see what Frog-hicke can do with his long, sticky little tongue?"

"WALTERRR!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mulder howled as Skinner rubbed the frog Beanie Baby all over his body, tickling him without mercy.

Skinner chuckled. "You are SO hard to please. How about this one?" he said slyly, holding up a Beanie baby mouse with only three legs wearing a leather jacket. "I know, I know, he's a little cheesy," he said as he saw his lover's look of open mouth disbelief, "but it was as close to a rat as I could get, and I thought the little jacket I had specially made for him got the idea across."

"You are NOT touching my ass with that! No way," Mulder spluttered, "I don't think I could STAND to know your fantasies about that man. I'm getting weak with laughter as it is."

 "Wise decision, Moose," Skinner said wryly, "but I'm a man who knows how to compromise. How about this," he said. He picked up the little rat Beanie Baby again, and rapped it sharply against the headboard. "We're not even yet, you dirty little RatBastard!" he said sternly to it. 

Mulder burst out laughing again. "Walter, STOP! My sides are hurting!" Mulder said trying to gulp for air.

"Okay, but I don't trust this Beanie Baby. Hmm..." Skinner grabbed Mulder's tie from the side of the bed, and tied the Beanie Baby rat to his headboard with it, and licked its cute little pink ears in apology. "There! Now, I can show you the REST of my collection."

"I think I'd better take charge of this investigation instead of trusting to the poor judgement you've been exercising in assigning me these beanie baby cases," Mulder said as he picked up a cute little red mouse Beanie Baby wearing a white lab coat. "Pendrell?"

"Yes," Skinner said as he took the lab mouse, and fondled Mulder's dick with it "When he's not conducting gravity experiments with Precious Moments figurines, Pendrell conducts some very interesting experiments in advanced hydraulics. Shall I demonstrate?"

Mulder hissed and arched "Ahh....that's good, Walter, but I'd rather YOUR animal conducted that experiment. What is it? A bald eagle?"

Skinner stopped, and thumped his smart-alecky agent. "BALD EAGLE!" he roared like a lion. "Might I remind you that I STILL own a paddle with your name on it?"

"Hmpfh," Mulder pouted, "Maybe I should get one with YOUR name on it...The nerve calling me Mousse! Hmpfh. That should have been Krycek's name. So what's YOUR animal? Something really macho, I'll bet."

"I don't have one," Skinner said smugly, "I'm the animal TRAINER of this menagerie."

"So YOU'RE Old MacDonald" Mulder snickered, "Figured that you were, you old fart. Which one of these little fuzzy guys makes you sing E-I-E-I OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!! That hurt!" Mulder said rubbing his stinging butt.

"I should have named the jackass after you, not the damned moose!" Skinner growled, and swatted him again.

"Ow! Oh, come on, Walter" Mulder whined, "Can't I be something cool like a lion?"

"Hmmmm...that does have possibilities. Yeah, that fits. I like it." Skinner smiled like the Big Bad Wolf.

"You do? Why does this frighten me?" Mulder said cautiously for once.

 "Couldn't really say, Leo. I'd think it could be fun," Skinner said, "I still have my whip, so if you could grab one of the kitchen chairs, and bring it back here..."

"WHIP?" Mulder squawked. "I don't think so! You've abused my poor butt enough for one night."

"Maybe I should have named you after a chicken," Skinner snorted. "Use your head, Mulder, and do the math. If you're a lion, I'm going to be the lion tamer. Actually you could use tamer anyway..."

"Uhmmm, Walter?" Mulder said meekly, "Does being Bullwinkle involve abuse with whips?"

Skinner laughed, and wrapped his arms around Mulder, and held him tight. "No, I stand foursquare against Moose abuse," he said kissing his contrite agent on the forehead, "How about this scenario, Bullwinkle? You're in the Canadian woods, and you run into Benton Fraser, who happens to be me."

"Does your dick goes due south to teach me WHY you're called a Mountie, Benton?" Mulder said hopefully as he gave Skinner's cock a squeeze.

"I think that could be arranged, Bullwinkle," Skinner said as he returned the favor.

Mulder agreed, and then the sex got really strange, and they came at exactly the same time, they way you and I, dear readers, ARE COMING TO THE END OF THIS STORY AT *EXACTLY* THE SAME TIME!! And none too soon. 


End file.
